By Mike Cannon
Feeling pumped? Feeling nostalgic? Feeling like dropping
a bomb of a one liner and then a real bomb down a bad guys pants? Good, well
here are the top 5 badass guys to watch do those things exactly, preferably on
VHS whilst wearing an armless sweat top.
5) Wesley Snipes – Snipes was a badass, he had the look and more importantly he kicked a lot of movie drug dealers in the face. He only ever lost one fight. That was a fight with the IRS. He got sent to the big house for tax evasion in 2010 (that’s prison, not Buckingham palace) but I’m pretty sure he could have still driven a motorbike through the window of the IRS main offices from a helicopter, beaten every one of them up, diffused a bomb he had planted himself and escaped to Cuba on a jet ski.
Pay for – Demolition man.Don’t pay for and get sent to jail, but it’s a better alternative – Passenger 57.
4) Steven Segal – Acting ability, none. Actual real life arse kicking ability, One Million. That’s the beauty of Segal movies, knowing that he could seriously mess up people in real life. An Aikido master and the first westerner to open an Aikido dojo in Japan, he is also a real policeman who patrols the streets of Jefferson County in the USA. He is currently the hardest old fat man in the universe and yes; he could beat up your dad.
Aiki- do – Under Siege.
Aiki-don’t or I will break your wrists – Into the Sun.
3) Jean Claude Van Damme – Known as the muscles from Brussels, Van Damme also has a pedigree as a fighter, competing as a kick boxer in professional bouts before he became an ah hem… actor. True, tarnished in recent years due to drunkenness and allegations of using his 900 mph jumping roundhouse kick to upset his wife, he still managed to produce some of the best action sequences of his era. Notably the final fight with Tom Po at the end of Kick Boxer where they dipped their hands in glue and glass, an idea the writers got after a night out in Margate.
Invite people around your house – Kick Boxer, Hard Target.Roundhouse the person who bough it for you – Street Fighter.
2) Arnold Schwarzenegger – Loved by action junkies and families alike, Arnie epitomizes exactly where picking up heavy objects and eating steroids like candy can get you, mega rich and the governor of California. His titanic frame and monotone delivery are what made Terminator the film it is but also made Junior, a film where Arnie plays the worlds first pregnant man, possibly the stupidest idea for a film ever. Hailing originally from Austria and said to have had the biggest biceps in movie history, sporting rumours that they were actually sentient beings that controlled his actual brain but were only as clever as a particularly stupid terrapin, which would explain why he agreed to do Jingle all the way. Arnie has a special place the hearts of all moviegoers, unless they are from California or over weight. “Put that cookie down…NOW!” The Governator has spoken.
Pump iron to – Predator, Terminator (I & II), True Lies.Have your stomach pumped after watching – Hercules in New York, The 6th Day, Junior.
1) Sylvester Stallone – Ah Sly, Pumped with more Bull testosterone than that angry bull that used to want to crush bugs bunny into the ground for no reason, you are my number one action hero. He is a true Hollywood Renaissance man, Actor, writer, director and artist. Never has a personality epitomised the creative decadence of the 80’s and 90’s. He jumped from good movie to absolute stinker in a crazy career suicide game of hopscotch. For every Rocky, there was a Rocky V, for every Rambo, there was a Stop or My Mom will Shoot. But one thing is for sure; when his films were good they were great. Despite the opinions of many, he pulled off some astounding performances, notably his break down at the end of First blood: part one or his role in Copland along side Robert De Nero and Harvey Keitel. He wrote Rocky in a week when he had $106 to his name, he tore his pec in half having a power-lifting contest with a former Mr. Universe and he broke his neck filming the Expendables at the age of 64. Now that’s a man and he is still going!
Bull Testosterone – Rocky (All of them except number five), First Blood; Part One, Lock Up.
Dolphin Estrogen– Tango and Cash, Get Carter, Over The Top.
Mike Cannon is a comedy writer, performance poet and Jeff Goldblums imaginary half brother, twice removed on his "I don't know you, stop calling me or I will call the cops" side.